Sex addiction: doing the beats too often?

Sex addiction, such as doing the beats too often where you don’t do other self-nurturing things, like visit friends, can easily lead to loneliness and despair.

Our human brains are so well engineered towards addiction — moving towards the pleasure bell. But is it pleasure when we no longer have control?

There is a saviour and we all possess it — self-talk.

Sex addiction is linked to disassociation, that is, being disconnected from the real world. Bad parenting (emotionally absent) has been shown to be a major factor in sex addiction.

Counselling can provide the awareness of how past events trigger such addiction.

Doing beats all the time is one way of avoiding intimacy (too much risk — emotionally absent parents) but still wanting to be wanted. That being wanted makes a person euphoric during the sex act, however, leads to never ever being fully satisfied.

Being addicted to sex means being on a treadmill to find the next new experience. Did you see the movie Shame?

Engaging in the sex act, for a sex addict, is the last part of a regular ritual that started way before the eventual outcome. An outcome that will last on average between two and six minutes — a lot of energy expressed for so little experience. Understanding the addictive ritual gives everyone the opportunity to stop the chain of events many times. The following is an example of a sex ritual:

I woke up feeling depressed and thought sex would make me happier.

I had a shower and felt I needed sex today.

I went on the bus and saw sexual possibilities on the bus. I stared at guy’s crotches.

While at work, I thought about having a wank.

On the way home, I thought I just might walk pass the beat but not go in.

Now I am here, I might as well just go in to see who is there.

So you can see there are many opportunities to stop sex-obsessed thoughts before the actual sex act. Using self-talk at any stage during the chain of ritual thoughts will stop the eventual ritual outcome. For example:

I will deal with my depression without sexually soothing myself.

I don’t need sex now.

I will read my novel on the bus. I love this book.

I am at work to work and I don’t need to wank here.

I’m staying on the bus until I get home and going to the gym to feel good about myself.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with beats or sex elsewhere, you know, when you just want it. (I have been a sinner here, brother!) This is about sex addiction, where a person has little or no control over their behaviour and it makes them spiritually lonely and very unhappy.

Like all addictions the fewer times engaged in it, the less likely you are to engage in it. The addiction encourages the addiction. Ah, to be in control of that — heaven! Welcome your self-talk.

If you feel you are addicted to sex, write this in the first page of your new thought diary: “When I wake up next Monday my perfect world would look like this.” Then answer it and follow your dreams.

INFO: Gerry North is a gay counsellor. Contact him on [email protected] or 0411 368 142.