How To Start A Conversation About Kink With Your Partner

You’ve been seeing someone for a while. They’re cute and hot and your relationship is cosy. Things are going well. Is it possible to rock your world without also rocking the boat? How are you supposed to tell this lovely person “I want you to slap me in the face, grab me by the hair and bend me over the kitchen table”? Do you yell it at them and run away? Write it on a $5 Bunnings gift card? Hire a skywriter? Turns out, you can discuss kink out loud with words.

Talking about sex in general can be awkward, and talking about sex you actually want to have can be nerve-wracking. Even if your communication is excellent, you’re comfortable with each other, and you’ve had lots of good sex already, revealing your most vulnerable and strange desires to another person can be stressful. If you’re in a happy partnership, bringing up kink can feel like throwing the cat-o-nine-tails amongst the pigeons.

Frame it as an exploration

Presenting kink as a fun opportunity to try something new together can make the conversation less intimidating.

It doesn’t have to be a multi-hour confessional featuring educational pop-up diagrams (though it can be, if that’s what you’re into). It can start as small as remarking ‘ooh that’s hot’ to Lucy Liu’s dominatrix costume in Charlie’s Angels, tossing out “good boy/girl” in a sext, or giving a flirty compliment about your partner’s bite strength. 

It takes two to tango

To continue the conversation, wait for a time when you’re both relaxed, not in a rush, and not too hungry, thirsty or tired. Remember that while this is not the first time you’ve thought about kink, this is the first time your partner is hearing about it, so they might need some time to process. If this initial chat goes well, it’ll be the first of ten thousand conversations about kink, so don’t feel like you have to resolve everything all at once.

As well as bringing up your own desires, ask your partner if there’s anything new they’d like to try in the bedroom too. You don’t have to have all the answers before you start this discussion – in sex as in life, it’s common not to know how you’ll feel about something until you actually try it.

Be prepared for various reactions

Your partner might immediately cry out with joy and whip out a hundred-piece fisting training kit from under the bed, or they might feel queasy at the thought of being in the same room as a feather teaser. 

Understand that your partner might have a range of feelings about kink, from excitement to insecurity to outright displeasure. They might even be interested in kinks you’re hesitant about yourself. Be prepared to listen and respect their feelings without judgement. If they express concerns or reservations, acknowledge their feelings without trying to problem-solve – but if they try to shame you for having kinky interests, know that there’s nothing bad or wrong with you.

Research about kink

If you’re partner’s interested in learning more, send them some dirty stories, porn or audio erotica that capture what you’re after. Talk about what you like about them, and what you weren’t into too. Youtube, meetups, and even old-fashioned books can help you delve into the specifics of techniques and safety precautions. If you’re not sure how your interests might align, fill in one of the many Yes / No / Maybe BDSM checklists available online (here’s four for you) and discuss the answers together.

Start small

After setting your safewords, think about the specific sensations you’d like to experience. If you’re curious about spanking, is it the physical thwack, a sense of domination, a feeling of humiliation, or some combination that interests you? If you can identify the particular aspect of a scene that tickles your fancy, you can figure out tiny ways of integrating it into your usual routine. 

If domination and submission piques your interest, just adding a blindfold to an ordinary session can instantly create a power imbalance, while also giving a new dominant space to figure out what they’re doing. Roughness can be explored by very lightly holding vulnerable places like the neck or wrists. A hierarchy can be established by one partner being physically higher or more clothed.

Control can be initiated through words – an easy way to start is describing what you’re going to do (“I’m going to tickle you until you beg me to stop”), describe what you’re doing (“You’re helpless against me”), and describe what you just did (“I loved to see you writhing and gasping as I teased you”).

Ironing out the kinks

Every relationship is unique, and so is every couple’s journey with kink. As well as being a great way to fill a rainy Sunday afternoon, talking about kink can be a way to build greater intimacy and trust in your partnership. Unleashing this conversation can be scary – but what would life be without a little danger?