‘I’m calling time on this crap’: what it’s like as a gay man to come out as bisexual
Image: Bisexual Pride Flag (Source: Wikimedia Commons)
When I was asked to write this piece about Bi Visibility Day by the Editor, I had to think long and hard about it.
To be honest, I would rather not talk about it, because every time I do it always ends the same way.
Bisexuality within Australia’s queer community is a topic that not many people are comfortable or equipped to talk about, so it often degenerates into jokes, calls of invalidity, and fear.
This Sunday 23 September is Bi Visibility Day – a day encouraging the broader community to recognise and celebrate bisexual history, community, and culture – because bisexual people are still fighting for visibility and recognition.
Their experiences are constantly invalidated, and the harm done to them might not be obvious to an outsider.
I grew up in the closet, came out as gay in my mid-teens, and earlier this year settled into some form of bisexuality.
We could go on about labels and binaries, but the best way to translate the fact I’m attracted to both men and women is to simply say I’m bisexual.
However, I am culturally gay (see: flaming).
I spend my time among gay men, I go to gay bars, and I engage in all the usual activities and rituals that a gay man does, so this puts me in an odd place when I try and reconcile my attraction to women.
A common experience for gay men that later come out as bisexual is how we approach intimacy with all genders after being raised by a gay community that is way too comfortable with sexual assault and rape.
This is an enormous issue that needs to be tackled, but instead we have to spend our time defending the legitimacy of being bisexual.
I can understand why it’s confronting, but I can’t understand why people are unwilling to learn.
It’s fine that we’re bi, but, can’t we just keep it behind closed doors and not be so ‘loud’ about it? Sound familiar gay boys?
Since speaking up about my sexuality this year, I’ve had incredibly heartening feedback from other men and women in similar positions, role models that I can now seek advice from.
But what was troubling were the messages from guys, almost always my age or younger, who have faced brutal opposition to their bisexuality from within the LGBTI community.
The bi guys that feel forced to spend half their week’s pay to go see female sex workers so that their gay mates don’t know.
The bi guys that pull themselves out of the gay community because the jokes, the gaslighting, and the bullying became too much.
The bi guys that have had the expectations on them become so heavy that their only escape is through drug and alcohol addiction.
I’m calling time on this crap – no-one should have to hide or feel like they’re lesser than for being who they are.
It’s happening today, and like other gay men I didn’t believe it, until it started happening to me.
Now, I wish I had believed them before, I wish I knew the impacts of bisexual erasure, and I wish I knew how much those jokes hurt.
You don’t need to celebrate Bi Visibility Day this Sunday by waving a flag or attending a protest for us, and you don’t even really need to kick up a fuss, just don’t be a dickhead this Bi Visibility Day and be the mate to your queer peers you really should be.
Related reading: Why is bisexual acceptance in the LGBTI community so hard to find?
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I don’t have issues with Bi guys.
However what I have noticed is that they are truthful with their male partners but will never admit their attraction to guys with their female partners.
Double standards?
Let’s just stop right there. What the fuck is “gay” and isn’t it time to just be a human. The latest outrageous statement I just heard is a talk at the Sydney Opera House about a Tchaikovsky piece talking about Illyuia as a “gay” man. Now correct me if I’m wrong but that is an entirely ignorant (and impossibly stupid) remark to make. “Gay” barely existed in his lifetime and his life experience could barely be described as gay anyway. Yes, he was probably homosexual in leaning.
Too much identifying with a “lifestyle” because of sexual leaning. I agree that finding like minded partners is a somewhat perilous journey but being curious is a trait to encourage. Was it Cicero who said “Be a philosopher and be curious if you want to live well.”?
All animals have a sexual nature. Full bloody stop.
Steve. Relax. You are mixing with the wrong crowd. Prejudice and bullying exists in all communities and amongst all groups within the those communities. I’m not condoning it. I’m against it. If it occurs to me or others I’ll call it. From the top echalons of society (rich priveliged people) to the bottom where thuggery and bastardisation is common we all have knowledge of bullying.
Move toward people who are friendly toward you.
Thanks for a great article, Steve!
I am gay but I have never been attractive to other gay men. I have had three long-term relationships. One was for about 6 years, when I moved interstate. Number two for 30 years until death came a-calling. The third for 20 years – As you can see I am now outside the Gay Pale because of my age! I don’t care!
All three were/are bisexual. All three were/are married. I knew this from the start and never had any problem with it. It seems I have some sort of invisible label on me which states “Only Bisexual Men Need Apply” – because it has only ever been bisexual men who have been attracted to me and I to them.
Yes, I’m now old but I must have something still going for me because I am currently going through that somewhat awkward phase I have gone through before. “Can I trust him with my secret?”, “Will he cause trouble with my wife?” at the moment with a much younger, married man!
If members of the GLBTIQ Community can’t/won’t accept the “B” part of our community it is they who are missing out.
Steve be Proud, Be Very Proud of who you are!
What do you mean by :”a gay community that is way too comfortable with sexual assault and rape?” I am not aware of this at all.
Well i’m bi curious trying to break in to the club but can’t find a patner yet have talked to a few but have all backed out when it come to the sex so i’m still looking for a try out but what i want to know is how and what are the ways of foreplay and with what toys would like to meet a for a start well thanks for your time frank