Horror-scopes with Aunt Ethal

ARIES

March 21 – April 19

Firstly petal, you are an idiot for coming here hoping to find the meaning of life or solutions on how to solve your life’s problems. You’ve got more luck discussing your problems with the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle than here. Speaking of luck, your lucky colour this week is blood red and your lucky stone this week is the one that hit you between the eyes, causing you to bleed your lucky colour.

TAURUS

April 20 – May 20

The good news is—wait, there is no good news. The full moon is in your quarter, which means you will have to pay some attention to your own full moon, may I suggest some squats? Also at some point in the next month a co-worker will smile at you, it may mean something, or they may just be trying to be friendly. This month you come to the realisation that the trash goes out more than you do.

GEMINI

May 21 – June 20

Love does hide in strange places and could be waiting for you at some of the strangest places you’ve ever heard of. It could be hidden in a leather, bound and gagged stranger. There are some strange things that go on at leather parties, they are a saucy place to hide out and contemplate making love. Of course you’re far too prudish for anything like that but it’ll be nice for you to think about it for a while. Also this month at some point you will need to remember the dying art of knowing when to shut the hell up.

CANCER

June 21 – July 22

You get two chocolate bars from a vending machine today, it’s all downhill from here. Which is also a sign of your financial situation: going downhill into the deep dark depths of hell. But all is not lost. In the dark deep depth of hell you can sell your soul or arse and climb back out of your financial woes. You can avoid all this by staying away from the chocolate bars. No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey. #SilverLining

LEO

July 23 – Aaugust 22

You have such an open mind that your brains fall out. It’s time to close it off just a little bit, put down the peace pipe and come back from the hippy land for a little while. As the moon passes into Leo, your 12th house needs dusting, and you should probably get it inspected for termites to mark the beginning of your lunar low cycle. Your lover for the month will be someone from the Scorpio star sign, but be careful as most Scorpios are murderers.

VIRGO

August 23 – September 22

You have a face that people always remember, even though they try hard to forget it. There is a 50 per cent chance you may end up in jail this month, but fear not. Look on the brighter side of life: if jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds? Most of your friends are bad for your liver, and even though you are a pain in the arse, damnit, you are someone’s important pain in the arse.

LIBRA

September 23 – October 22

If you’re suffering from injustice or oppression, hang in there, posting your ailments on social media will be the most productive way of dealing with your problems while cleaning up your friend’s list at the same time. You will also fear being an adult this month, so take advice from the rest of us: being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. While we are talking about being an adult, as a kid, your parents told you could be anyone you wanted to be. Just be careful what you choose, sometimes this is called “identity theft”.

SCORPIO

October 23 – November 21

Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by three. Now change it to 10. That’s how many seconds you just wasted so far reading this… shall we continue? Why not. When you’re in bad company, you’re alone, but you can’t deny it, everyone thinks so you’re like a corkscrew: twisted, cold, and sharp. On the off-chance you fall in love this month don’t confuse phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet” with someone attempting murder.

SAGITTARIUS

November 22 – December 21

Like a kid in a candy store, you can’t afford anything as the retro gradient half fullness of the moonshine planet is jammed in Uranus, but that is the least of your discomforts this month. The moon is traversing in your 12th house of mysteries and solitude, encouraging you to replenish your spiritual batteries. You will also find that you’re out of acid tabs and they, too, need replenishing.

CAPRICORN

December 22 – January 19

Other horrorscopes this month will tell you “if you love someone set them free”. Herem we suggest the same thing, as well as “follow their life without you on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for eternity”. Just a heads up it might be time to get your birthday suit taken in. and you will also experience many feelings this month. Mostly it will be hunger.

AQUARIUS

January 20 – February 18

Traditionally Aquarians make good choir singers, eunuchs, and nuns. Your talents include stress eating and falling in love with people that will never love you back. You will also find motivation to sort your life out at 3am. People refer to you as “Pacman” at parties, as they have cottoned on that you walk around the room eating everything in sight to avoid everyone. Your motto this month is that “later is the best time to do anything”.

PISCES

February 19 – March 20

You have depth, but only from the deep pock-marks on your face. While pigging out this holiday season remember that unless you were severely beaten with canned food, no one wants to hear about how you’re in a food coma. Not even your weird aunt who you only see at Christmas (the one with the weird stains on her shirt). In life it is good to keep everything balanced, so I suggest this month you try equal parts sweetheart and smart arse.