Should older gay guys go home and leave clubbing to the youth?
IS the curse of the Peter Pan Syndrome ripe in the gay community? According to blogger on gayguys.com Dalton Heinrich (pictured), it is.
On his blog post, which has attracted some international media attention and social media controversy, Heinrich says gay men over the age of 30 should stay at home, away from the clubbing lifestyle.
“The sad, thirsty man haunting the shadows of 18 and up clubs is slowly killing our culture,” he wrote.
“It is as if all gay men are terrified to grow up. The abundance of 30 and 40-somethings that attend nightclubs persistently and dress like they are going to a college frat party is astounding. Instead of the Botox, barhopping and H&M wardrobes; why as a culture, are the majority of us not having children and planning our futures?
“I think it is time to fight off this trend of a permanent youth. We all need to realise how to act our age and how to play our part in our community.”
Heinrich adds: “It is time to tell Peter Pan that you want to go home and as much as it may not be the funnest thing to do, it is time to grow up.”
Heinrich said the aged party goers’ lifestyle was why the gay community had no settled role model to aspire to, and because of “this portion of grown men clinging to the wild nights and serial dating of their 20s seem to live in a secret Neverland”.
“Lost Boys that are terrified of actually looking their age and are always fighting off time instead of ageing gracefully and being something helpful for the young gay man to idolise?” he added.
Heinrich ended the blog post with: “It is time to grow up”.
Does the Heinrich have a point? Or is just a flippant outburst from a young gay man? Share your thoughts below.
I’m 35 and just quietly I’ve had more action in the last year then I did in all of my twenties. I guess now I’m just more comfortable with myself and that confidence attracts guys. I’m glad I’m not a jailbait twink anymore because when I was my options were pretty limited guys would only want to snog me not marry me so now I do the same. It’s hard finding someone my own age on the same level and the guys I meet who are, like me have a multitude of options. I mean really, under 30’s are the guys guys like me only want for sex and ironically it’s the under 30’s who are stalking me for a relationship. Go figure. So to deprive the under 30’s the pleasure of meeting me in a club and experiencing a real man, if only for a night, would not only be an injustice, but also a harsh sentence if the only thing clubs these days offered were inexperience, instability and immaturity. I’ll probably still be hitting clubs until I find the guy I want to settle down with and hope that guy is over 30 and is waiting at stonewall or arq for me. But until then I’m happy to take a Twinkie home do him then throw him out in the morning. I just hope he’s experienced enough in club culture to deal with being tossed aside like an old used play thing
One day Dalton Heinrich will grow up. The article clearly shows his immaturity, and his ageist attitude.
Us, “older folks” are the ones that were out there fighting for the rights you enjoy today; and in many cases still are. And since when did our clubs have an ageist agenda?
Although I don’t go out clubbing as much as I did in my younger days, I still enjoy a night out occasionally. And so many of the younger ones looking for a Daddy (not sugar Daddy) are glad that us older guys are out and about. I have a sex life that rivals the sex life I had in my 20’s. I’m now in my early 50’s and still look hot to some. And so many of the “younger generation” seek out us older guys as we are far more sexually experienced than twinks his age; who while looking youthful are boring in bed.
What planet is this guy living on? His internalised homophobia is coming across loud and clear. Only people that hate themselves could possibly write such a thing.
It’s pretty disappointing you even chose to publish his tripe. Thoughts and opinions such as his are more suited to the Daily Trashograph.
If your (online) editor had any sense they’d have told him to fuck off instead of giving his thoughts oxygen.
Free press, open argument, right to free speech, inviting comment, blah blah.
Bullshit.
Have some backbone and extinguish fires like this before they begin.
You’ve got George Brandis Syndrome.
Oh and I forgot to add – there’s a very wise saying which sums up this conundrum perfectly, which Dalton may want to remember at some point in his future…
“We don’t stop having fun because we get old, we get old because we stop having fun!”
I’m still having fun. And that includes, clubs, pubs, bars, dance parties and any gig I might choose to go to… (with or without his “permission”!)
Clearly Heinrich is someone with age issues of his own. Wonder what he’s afraid of? Or maybe he was molested by a much older man and is now afraid of older people? Who knows. And I was also almost going to say ‘who cares’ – but in fact, I do. And many of my friends (of all ages!) We care because this form of internalised gay homophobia is played out in so many aspects of queer culture. From the adverts in magazines to the promotion of venues, gigs and parties all over the world.
Whenever a promoter wants to put his “event” on the map, it’s always a young, hot, handsome, fit, sexy looking model that is used. And the sad fact is that, as with the ultra skinny, always beautiful, always gorgeous models used in women’s magazines and advertising campaigns, this is actually VERY VERY FEW of the real people, in the real world.
From the pic ture in this article, it’s clear that Heinrich is pretty, young and has enough money to spend on clothes and grooming culminating in him looking very attractive. However, this isn’t the case for most people.
I think perhaps this pretty young thing needs to invest some of the money he’s spending on his appearance and socialising on some counselling. His view of the world is rather screwed up. Or he might just wait until he himself is in his late 30’s, 40’s or even (heaven forbid) his 50’s. Cos lord knows, by then he’s going to need it.
Time to worry about your own life. It’s a big diverse community with room for everyone.
Unfortunately this misguided boy is shallow and ignorant. His other blog posts are equally vacuous. I think his website just lets him post crap to draw attention to the site, due to the “controversy” generated by his stupid, annoying comments.
“its time to grow up” Hmmm I would say that there is a few of the OLDER gay nightclubbers that could dance him clean off his feet. I enjoy a good night out as it is a way to release all the good feeling through the sound and beats of music. Nothing better than coming of the dance floor after a few hours of dancing in the “zone”.
There’s so much wrong with this, it’s hard to know where to begin…
First, this guy is seriously suggesting people have no right to a social life after 30? Geez, life’s barely begun at 30. Straight people have countless venues, LGBT peeps have few. Should 31 year olds suddenly start hanging out at local straight bars? Only if they want to. Otherwise, deal with different ages at gay bars and clubs! Wasn’t growing up with discrimination enough?
Regarding the “Peter Pan” syndrome, it’s easy for a young guy who’s grown up in a relatively liberal environment (created, incidentally, by his older forbears) to fail to get the deprivation experienced by some as teens in previous decades, other regions or conservative families. Delayed teen experience plays out later in life.. So? You want to deprive these people of socialising yet again? Why should you care?
As for the comments about “haunting the shadows”, at what exact age do one’s feelings become caricature’s, no longer worthy of respect or dignity? Only some deserve to experience fun, love, happiness or simple flirting? That sounds disturbingly like what the homophobes say. Not to mention that not all people over 30 are socialising to pick up, or are interested in under 30’s. And if they are? Many under 30’s are interested in over-30’s… WTF does it matter anyway? Viva diversity! If you’re not into someone, just keep walking. Or make it clear you’re not into them and become friends. I genuinely respect the over-30’s who go out, given there are, unfortunately, plenty of young guys out there with attitudes like Heinrich’s.
I am 55+ and I still occasionally go out to clubs and bars etc. I’m going to continue enjoying my life as I see fit. If you are offended by the sight of me then may I suggest you look elsewhere. HOW VERY DARE YOU!!! kisses
I wish for you that you never experience hateful, hurtful, inconsiderate and bigoted attitudes others experience in the world.
You look 30+ mate. Take away all that airbrush magic and you are most likely more average than the men you are trying to criticise.
YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH UNIFICATION WITHIN THE GAY COMMUNITY!
You’re a joke!!
What a vapid, insipid twat.
Wonder if he will take his own advice? Doubt it. Looks like he is already a “Lost Boy”
I don’t often comment on a lot of blogs/articles on the net but I thought this topic was quite interesting.
I’m now 34 and I’m often told by people older than myself that I’m still just a baby and I still have so much to do. When do I get to a point that I’m no longer a baby?
When I first starting clubbing around the age of 17, I often found the guys in their 30’s or older much more appealing than other guys my age. They were my role models. Some of my closest friends during those years were much older than me and I learnt a lot from them and about the community I was trying to become a part of. I was grateful for them because of their knowledge, kindness and for the work they did in making it ok for me to be myself without fear of being attacked or arrested if I kissed a guy on the street.
I occasionally go out now, nowhere near as much as I used to, and I realise now that I am the older guy. I don’t prey on young gay men, nor have an interest in them. I just enjoy the odd night out and having a dance. I do see the club scene as very much a place for the youth but there is always room for us oldies too.
In a community that I already see so segregated sometimes, why would we want to make it worse?
I’m 51 years old. I go out every couple of weeks to a gay bar to meet with friends and socialize. Occasionally I take my daughter with me. I don’t go out looking to hook up. I go out to enjoy connecting with my community. I am an elder in the community and proud of it. I am a mature gay man. A survivor of sorts. In my humble opinion the ‘Peter Pan’ syndrome referred to occurs precisely because there is a lack of visible presence of older mature gay men in the community. Young men need older men to walk with them if they are going to grow up and become mature adults. Young men do not need older men preying on them and taking advantage of their youth and naivety. So many older gay men DO stay home and enjoy their dinner parties and social lives away from the community. I firmly believe the community misses out by not having a broad cross section of age groups represented. I am not afraid to grow up. I am grateful for my years of experience. I personally feel a sense of responsibility to be that good, healthy, safe, sane, older gay man to model what is possible and support those who are finding their way from gay boys to men. Clearly our blogger is still very much a ‘golden boy’. We older, wiser ‘gray men’ need to have some compassion for his youth and give him a friendly clip around the ears. If we are not active participants in the community there will be no one to do this act of service for him and he may well never grow into the man he deserves to be.
It seems Heinrich has not been to any regular straight club, full of 40+ men trying to pick up 20something girls.
It’s not a gay thing, its a human thing.
I am over 40 and till go out clubbing, however I am not attracted to young men under 30. Funnily enough I like men my own age. And the operative word is “men”, not boys like Heinrich who have a hell of a lot of growing up to do.
Get a life, get some acceptance for one day you will be over 30.
I have mixed feelings about Heinrich’s piece. He wrote a somewhat longer follow up–an acknowledgement that he had hit a nerve. In the newer blog, he’s far more qualified in his observations (and more defensive). There he frankly backtracks, and says he “endorses” older gay men at clubs as “models” for younger gays. It strikes me that he wants it both ways and he’s a confused young man. As a 40something myself, I do believe he had a valid point somewhere amongst all this generalization. Maybe when he’s older, he’ll be better able to express it.
Too many homonormative pills? Don’t worry, he’ll sleep them off.
ONE of the things I’ve always admired about the LGBTIQ community and the majority of Gay or ‘Gay-Friendly’ clubs is that they’ve seemed less prone to ANY form of discrimination. At least that’s been my experience. When I read the blog post in question I quickly dismissed it as naive, immature and completely misguided based solely on one immature individuals personal preferences. Thoughts like this are dangerous. This is where it starts, where does it stop? Weight? Gender? Colour? Vocation? Bank balance? Height? SEXUALITY??! Isn’t this the type of thought process our community has been fighting against for so long?!
Grow up and accept those around you and appreciate that we ALL have our reasons for being out clubbing, irrespective of whatever label you choose to brand those around you with. People falling into a particular age bracket not your thing? Fine, no biggie, don’t slip them your moby number then! It’s pretty simple, even for the simple!
Hopefully one day you’ll look back on your little outburst and have one of those ‘holy fuck what WAS I thinking’ moments. And who knows, maybe you will have matured enough by then to bust out a public apology. I just hope it’s BEFORE you hit 30! lol
*gets off soap box and gets back getting his ‘over-30-year-old’ ass ready for a night on the town with people who appreciate him for him and respect his right to be there!*
*rant ends*
Most older gay men don’t go to clubs and are very serious about their contributions to society. Those who go to bars occasionally are not desperate – they are simply out for a drink in their community. Instead of making assumptions and sneering, try actually talking to some. You’ll find they are doctors, lawyers, CEOs, tradespeople, writers, professors, artists and so forth. The cities and suburbs are filled with highly successful older gays; some go to bars, others don’t. There is great diversity in the gay community. Stereotyping is unhelpful and not very thoughtful.
Dear Heinrich – It’s actually selfish narcissistic segregationist comments like this that diminish any sense of community and kill off our rich diverse gay culture. Who’s next? Anyone that’s not blond and blue eye’d? Stop telling people how to live their lives.
It is amazing how people winge and wine about stupid things like that, out here in the plains of the Central West of NSW we have nothing!
What an adorably narcissistic opinion.
While I agree that some people should dress more their age. Clubbing attire: usually jeans and a nice shirt, doesn’t exactly fall into the spectrum of age appropriation.
Though, some choices I.E. skinniest and waxed denims with barely buttoned tops doesn’t exactly err do anyone any favors. Then again, aesthetics are a personal thing.
All in all, the whole thing reeks of sadness.
Go out, cruise, drink, strike up conversations. Fuck anyone that says that someone is too old to enjoy their short stent on this marble.
You young foolish man, there are plenty of mature men , including myself, and women in relationships that don’t club but if I choose to who are you to sit in judgement, you aren’t the original pretty boy, there has been plenty before you , and believe me you too will age and you may not meet a match and you too may one day understand why there are plenty of guys and girls still out over 30 ….and when you get to 30 + you wont think you are old …you are a silly young man with a lot of growing up to do !!!
It is a perfect replay, thank you !!
I do agree with Heinrich to a great extent. It is one thing to go out with a few friends and have a few drinks but if you’re over 50 and still wear clothes that do not exactly suit you or your age to nightclubs in search for younger boys, then it does convey the fact that you are desperately clinging to your youth. This goes for not just gay men, but also straight men and women as well. whether people tell it to your face or not, they’re certainly laughing about it behind your back.
If one wanted to act like a 21 year old all his/her life, then what’s the point of growing up?
Oh and his views are not narcissistic. Maybe you feel the need to call him that because on some level you identify with the persons he has described and feel bad about it.
Deepak, I am curious, how old are you? I’m guessing you yourself are in your 20s. So I want to know, will you stop going to gay bars when you turn 30?
Oh and one more question. At what age are we supposed to stop wearing the clothes we’ve being wearing all our lives ie t-shirts and jeans, and start wearing tweed, like old people do??
I’m sorry for the young guy who just want’s we older guys to stay home and die. We must be really difficult for him to look at.
The fact that many of us in the senior bracket were the ones who marched and manned the barricades for decriminalisation years ago need not necessarily engender any kind of respect – but it does give us a sense that we have earned every right to enjoy a night out even if we don’t do much more than drink while chatting around the walls.
One poster says correctly he will change when his balls drop – perhaps he will change even more when his balls not only drop but begin to sag (as they do), for just as certain it will happen to him too- so too will he find that it all happens a lot faster than he may realise.
“Should the star observer be taken to HREOC and made to sit down to reach consensus on its inability to abide by ageist discrimination”
“Should the silly queens who run the star and “edit” be made to do a TAFE course on journalism”
Mister Heinrich may change is attitude when he reaches 35 were is the attitude we are FAMILY plus there are many younger guys who likes the daddy types …. Grow up PETER PAN
CHEERS
DAVID
I’m a 58 year old who still goes out once a week
Everyone is entitled to an opinion, i suppose. His will chance once his balls drop.
Narcissism clearly has no age limit.